Who is Malum?

Marla's thoughts during an episode while waiting for Malum:

Sometimes I wonder what I did to trigger these episodes. Most of the time I try and ignore them, pretend I'm prone to nightmares, shake it off.

But there are moments when I subject myself to an evaluation.. an inevitable investigation into my past, scrutinizing every action, questioning every second of possible iniquity.

And in those moments of self-assessment, I allow myself full disclosure. I face my transgressions and I acknowledge their part in my life. In these moments, I offer no consolation or reassurance.

I am shamefully naked.
I am bare.
I am alone.

I am weak.

I purge myself through tears and I wonder how many others face what I face.

And only then do I realize that these episodes are justified.
But (and it surprises me every time) I take comfort in Malum.
He appears at random, wrenching me from my surroundings, and tortures me.

And somehow I find comfort in his voice, in his unvarying interrogation.


Soon, people will start to notice. I won't be able to hide what's missing once he starts taking bigger pieces.
He will take until he is satisfied and Malum's thirst is never quenched.

Marla sat down on the ruffled sheets. She looked around the room in that sleepy, post-orgasmic haze and smiled.

She felt good. Really good.

She thought about him.
About how he made her feel.
About how he felt inside her.

As she listened to the steady stream of the shower, she wondered if he was washing her away.


She licked her lips.

She could still taste him.
He tasted good.

“How I feel is that if I wanted anything I’d take it. That’s what I’ve always thought all my life. But it happens that I want you, and so I just haven’t room for any other desires.”  



“Don’t be afraid. The darkness you’re in is no greater than the darkness inside your own body. They are two darknesses separated by a skin. I bet you’ve never thought of that. You carry a darkness about with you all the time and that doesn’t frighten you…  you have to learn to live with the darkness outside just as you learned to live with the darkness inside”  

Sometimes it hurts so much.

And that pain is unbearable.

And I think I will scream.

Or run.

Or fall.

I am lost.

I can't find the light...

And then it's fading.

And it's fleeting.

And it goes on.

And no one even noticed.

And I'm all alone again.

Waiting to feel it again.

Searching again,

in between periods of darkness.

Who is Marla?

Who is Marla?
I don't know.
Yes you do. She's you.
No she isn't.
Of course she is. She's you only better.
Why is she better than me?
You created her. So of course she's better than you.
I don't understand.
She's better than you because you made her better than you. All the things you've fucked up in your life, she doesn't have to deal with them.
But aren't I a better person because I made it through those fuck-ups and became stronger?
You might be. But Marla is just better. Period. She doesn't need to fuck up to see what kind of person she is. She already knows.
How can I create someone like that? How can I give her perfection without knowing it myself?
You can't. She's just a character who you're using in order to live in a world you'll never experience.
But I could experience that world if I wanted to.
No you can't. You can't because of the type of person you are. You have no guts. You have no character. You're a pussy.
And Marla isn't?
No. Marla is you. Only better. So much better. She is smarter than you are. She's braver. She can live how she wants to live.. How you want to live. And she doesn't have to worry about fucking up. Because she doesn't fuck up. Only you do.

Why can't I be Marla?
You can't be Marla because you created her. You can't become one of your characters.
What if I like her life better than I like my own?
Well now it seems like you're finally understanding how this process of creation works. Of course you want to be Marla-- that is why you created her in the first place. You're unhappy with your own life. You want to escape. You feel like you have no other place to go. So you went inside your head and you created another self. You created Marla. Through Marla you can go where you want to go, experience the stuff you want to experience.. without fearing any consequences. You can be bold and slutty and smart and everything you've ever wanted to be. Marla is beautiful. And everyone around her sees that.
You only hope you're beautiful. You try and prove your beauty by participating in your pedantic narcissism. It's embarrassing. And then when you finally see yourself through another lens you realize that this "beauty" you've bestowed on yourself does not translate past your own self-image. It's pathetic.
Stop making me feel like that.
I can't. You're the one in control. Especially when it comes to Marla.
Who is she?
She's you.
Only better.